dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
