we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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