I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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