Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
