hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
