I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
