my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
