I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
My bed smells like the plague
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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