You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
