I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
