I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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