i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
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