Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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