apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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