so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
