How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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