end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
