so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
