She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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