So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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