Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
