so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
