Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
