Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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