I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I understand Curling. That high.
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I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Are we still banned from the library?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
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Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.