I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
