mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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