Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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