you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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