I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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