She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
