It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He better not be in your backpack
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
