how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
