god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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