I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
