so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
