Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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