I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
