I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
