Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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