i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
