Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
