exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
