Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
tell me about the eggs
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
