Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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