from now on my penis is your penis
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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