so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
