I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.