so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Randomize
