When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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