i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
