Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
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Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
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You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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