he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
