She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I did not marry a roomba.
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