Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I wish they made helmets for livers.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
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there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
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He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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